By Your Side
by DangoLovesYou
Summary: People change, and so do friendships. If only they could change in the right direction. Complete two-shot. Dorca (MakoHaru), mentions of Sharkbait. Not a happy ending, but first can stand alone as such.
1. Chapter 1

Part I

"Ah, Haru. I thought I'd find you here." Makoto says lightly as he steps out of the doorway and into the yard with the school pool. Haru only hums before dipping back into the water and gliding to the other side.

Haru seems to be having fun, and it's a pleasant enough day, so Makoto makes himself comfortable on the ground a couple meters away. Sitting on his jacket, he pulls out a textbook and thumbs through it. They should probably both be studying, what with tomorrow's science assessment. But then, it's much more entertaining to watch a carbon life form move through H2O than it is to read anything of the sort. Especially when the life form is as easy on the eyes as Haru.

If Haru's taking an afterschool break, why can't he? Not a minute after he retrieves it Makoto abandons the book and resigns himself to what he's been doing his entire life: watching.

Years Makoto has spent watching Haru swim. It's one of the great pleasures of Makoto's life, really. When this man meets water, it's always beautiful. Natural and graceful and passionate, with just the tiniest hint of something... ah, longing. Definitely longing, to which Makoto can certainly relate. And just as Haru is the best part of his life, in creating this longing, he's also the worst.

Every moment of every day, Haru wishes to be in the water, and Makoto wishes to be beside Haru. But not beside him as he is now. With him, really with him. Caring and being cared for. Loving and being loved. Makoto's is a cliche unrequited love, perhaps, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. At the end of their time together each day, when he has to resist the urge to kiss his friend goodbye, he still wonders if he was a kidnapper in a previous life to deserve this kind of torture.

So, instead of taking Haru's hand and sharing his life, Makoto watches Haru swim. At least he gets to see Haru happy, right? That should be enough. And while Makoto's sufficiently distracted, it is. When he's, say, chattering about any given topic, he can stare and ignore the ache in his heart and enjoy himself.

So, when Haru's head bobs above the surface again, he does just that. "So, the swim team is really taking off, ne? With pools and joint practices and a manager," Makoto says with as wide a smile as he can muster. Haru gazes up, eyebrows raised, probably wondering if he is expected to answer. With a moment's hesitation, he ducks back into the water and returrns after a couple laps. When black hair and light skin break the calm surface again, Makoto continues, "We have five members, counting Kou-chan. Who would have thought it?"

As Makoto watches, now content, Haru takes a floating position near the edge (toned muscles now barely submerged and visible enough to be impressive, Makoto notices). After years of experience, Makoto knows just what this means. Haru is listening, but doesn't want to stop swimming for the sake of conversation. Makoto agrees to himself that this is a fine compromise. "Oh, did you know she's going out with the captain of Samezuka's team?"

Haru hums, looking perfectly serene. Makoto's smile widens. He looks up into the deep blue sky of late afternoon and searches for a direction to carry the conversation. He's almost there, it almost doesn't hurt.

But right when Makoto looks back at Haru to speak, he loses his train of thought. Gorgeous azure eyes- the ones he's always loved- are half open, and locked on him. It takes Makoto's breath away. _Haru... _

Haru's face adjusts slightly, with the tiniest little movement. The kind so undetectable Makoto is certain only he could have seen it, even if there were a thousand other onlookers. But what's it mean? Oh, probably something along the lines of, _Are you ever going to finish that thought? _Right. Bad Makoto, bad.

"Uh... Kou-chan sure is pretty, isn't she?" Could have said worse. Does Makoto look as panicked as he now feels? Has the sun been this hot the entire time? Jumping in that pool seems pretty appealing.

"I guess I wouldn't know." Haru mutters, still not taking his eyes off Makoto. That's odd. Usually he's not so focused on something other than the water, not so intensely. Something is definitely off about this whole situation. Makoto vaguely wonders when that happened, though already knows it was probably something he said.

"Hm? What do you mean? She has," Makoto starts, but really he's describing Haru when he says, "nice eyes, a cute smile, and the sweetest—"

"Makoto," Haru snaps. "I'm gay."

Nothing moves. Not Makoto's heart, not Haru's gaze, not even the wind on the water. All is still, and Makoto's mind goes completely blank as he just sort of loses himself. It's a long moment, or at least it feels that way, before his mind returns to his head and he can move his lips just enough to mutter, "You, you're gay? So like—"

"I don't look at girls like that."

Makoto isn't sure how he got where he did. He just knows that his eyes are closed, and there's water around him, even though he's still fully clothed. It's cold, but he doesn't care, because Haru is warm against him, chest up to chest and arms clutched in hands.

His lips are the warmest.

Haru's mouth, pressed gently into his, is the only thing Makoto can think about. A thousand cheesy love song lyrics slur in his subconscious, and simple, chaste pleasure pounds through his veins. It just feels so right, like things belong this way. This moment is the one for which he's been waiting for so long. It's right out of a perfect dream. Makoto smiles against Haru and pulls him closer.

But Haru doesn't get closer. A hand presses firmly into Makoto's chest through his shirt, right around where his heart has completely frozen. His eyes jerk open as he's shoved away. Makoto barely knows what's happening, but all contact has been lost, and he has a feeling it isn't good. Suddenly he's glad lazily flowing hair keeps drifting in front of Haru's eyes. Haru… pushed him off, rejected him. And Makoto's afraid to see that reflected in the eyes he loves so much.

All in one instant, the dream has fallen into a nightmare.

Not knowing what else to do, Makoto resurfaces. With the air comes a wave of confusion, and the beginnings of pain. Haru floats up more hesitantly, and even skips his signature hair flip, choosing to anxiously run his hand through it instead. He looks pensive, and hurt.

"Why… would you do that?" He asks slowly, staring down at the water.

Makoto's voice is quiet and unsteady. "Haru…"

"That isn't what I meant by what I said."

"I just…"

"Just because I love men doesn't mean I love you." It's a dagger, right into Makoto's aching heart. Almost worse is the realization that things won't be the same for a while, maybe ever. He won't be able to look at Haru the same. And even though things weren't ideal before, this reality is a hell of a lot worse.

Haru's expression is cold, harsh, but something changes after a moment. He must have noticed how Makoto is crumbling before him, and he softens, if only a little.

"Makoto." When Makoto doesn't respond, Haru continues with a small sigh. "I just thought you should know that I am. So, don't expect me to check out Kou."

_Oh. _Makoto's known Haru for so long, he understands him so well, that the confusion quickly falls away as he floats there in the pool. Even though it's only a few meters, it suddenly feels like an ocean of distance, because Makoto _knows _what this means and how things are going to work, and knows things don't look good for him. "It's her brother, isn't it, Haru?"

Haru looks away and makes an affirmative sound, deep in his throat.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed—when you said what you did, I just—I guess I got carried away and excited—I didn't think…. I just didn't think." The water makes an empty sound as he moves through it and climbs out of the pool, uniform sopping uncomfortably as he sloshes over to his bag and books.

Haru calls after him, with those lips that he knew for one sweet second. He freezes, turned away. "Does this mean… You love me?"

Slowly, Makoto throws his head back over his shoulder and gives him that old Makoto smile. He wonders if Haru can see the pain behind it. Probably, he could, but he doesn't, because when has Haru ever really looked at Makoto to begin with? "I always have."

It's a long, lonely walk home. It's a long, lonely afternoon of helping Ren and Ran with their homework. It's a long, lonely evening of staring out the window, thinking in circles about why Haru loves Rin and not him. And it's the longest, loneliest night of his life when Makoto settles into bed, only to toss and turn and shout silent curses at the ceiling, _if only I hadn't done that _echoing through his mind. But Makoto _has_ done it, he _did_ dive into the water and kiss Haru, he _did_ admit his biggest secret, and he _can't_ take it back.

And so begins those heartache days when regret weighs down on every action, every thought, every last individual moment. Makoto doesn't want to hurt Haru, he wants to stay friends, and salvage what he can of his childhood companionship, so he goes to Haru's house the next morning and gets him out of the bath.

He extends a hand, bids Haru-chan good morning, and makes a point of smiling, but it hurts because it's not the same. The way Haru won't look him in the eye is proof enough of that. Makoto ruined it, he ruined a decade of friendship, and he just wants to punch himself and go back in time and lay down and die, all at once, all as he's stepping out of Haru's home and back onto the street to walk to school.

Makoto wonders if they're pretending nothing ever happened. He's not sure how long he'll be able to keep it up if they are.

"Have you been crying?"

"Oh, I'm fine, it's just allergies."

That's their morning conversation, in its entirety, and Makoto's never been more ready for class to start than he is today.

Makoto can't focus. He's a pretty good student, always has been, but not today. Today, Ama-chan-sensei could be wearing a swimsuit in the front of the classroom, and he would not notice a thing. Haru is right there, right next to him, and it's making Makoto rather uncomfortable, because he can't tell if he's being ignored, or if that's just Haru being normal, spacy Haru.

Makoto feels a sneeze coming on. All he can think about for five minutes is whether or not that means Haru is thinking about him. Wait, does that mean Haru has felt a sneeze coming on this whole time? Or maybe that was just for speech.

Around the third hour of class, Makoto realizes just how exhausted he is from all this thinking, all this obsessing. He's going to make himself sick if he keeps this up. Some sort of decision has to be made. Which decision, he's not sure, but he'll decide by… by the end of this afternoon's swim meet. Yeah, that makes sense. He can decide by the time he's left Samezuka's campus. In the meantime, he can take a few minutes and try to relax. He's acting like a childish school girl with a crush, and if he doesn't cut it out, he's just going to snap. Haru would want him to not worry so much, and just be, right?

With a deep breath and slow, calming thoughts about a flower field, Makoto does his best to forget for a while.

He wakes up at his desk when Haru pokes him in the shoulder. "Lunch time." And then Haru walks out, so Makoto follows, drowsy and disappointed. He was enjoying that dream, and the smile on Haru's face as Makoto held his hand. There had even been this cute little blush when Makoto mentioned how much he loved Haru. As he trailed down the hall after his friend, he knew the possibility of that dream becoming reality was nonexistent. His appetite was lost.

It was probably for the best, though, because Haru had apparently forgotten his lunch—again— so Makoto gladly volunteered his own. Nagisa caught up to them on the roof and sat down, smile wide and eyes bright and shining in the sun. Makoto hoped the tension he felt wouldn't be too obvious to a third party, because he really didn't feel like explaining himself right now. This whole forget-the-problem-and-worry-later thing really wasn't working out as well as he had hoped. But, not wanting to make rash decisions, Makoto stuck with it and did his best to keep up with the conversation.

"Let's talk about the joint swim meet!" _Wonderful._

_Act natural. _"Ah, okay." _Right, just like that. Except like a natural human, not a natural awkward mushroom. _

"Those are so much fun, getting to swim altogether with Rin-chan again!" Nagisa said, taking a happy bite out of his bento and practically dripping childish happiness and enthusiasm.

Makoto and Haru hummed in unison. "It's great to swim in that pool," Haru added.

"Mm, but I like our pool, too. It's like we raised it ourselves. We brought it up from being a baby pool."

"Makoto," Haru said suddenly, dropping the pool conversation all together. "Are we walking home together this afternoon?"

"Ah… I don't see why not. Why?"

"I'm out of food. We need to stop at the store on the way home."

"M-mm. That's fine."

"Thanks."

"Aw, you guys, no fair! You spend all your time together. I want to go shopping with you." Nagisa's words cause an embarrassed glance to be shared by Makoto and Haru, who each look away a moment later and try mumbling some excuse. "Okay, then. On second thought, I don't need to go mackerel shopping. Maybe I'll take a run with Rei or something, ne?"

The rest of lunch is tedious and a little exasperating. Or maybe Makoto's describing himself. He's driving himself crazy. He almost manages to focus for the rest of the school day, luckily, and with great effort. Truthfully, he's just happy to have it over with as the Iwatobi Swim Club sets foot on the Samezuka campus.

Rin is there, avoiding eye contact as he trains with that little Nitori of his. Deftly, Makoto hears the Samezuka team captain announce a few minutes of free swim time to warm up. He's more focused on the way Haru is staring, no,_ gawking_ at Rin. How has Makoto never noticed that before? He looks like a lovesick puppy, with his lip curved into a slight frown, his muscles tense and clearly resistant, and his eyes distant, yearning, almost helpless. It makes Makoto feel awful in so many different ways, but he can't quite look away. With the tiniest sigh, Haru dives into the water and immerses himself in the clear peace. In there, Makoto knows, Haru doesn't have to think about Rin, or Makoto, or even himself. In there, there is nothing he doesn't want.

Makoto wishes he had such an escape. Instead, he sits poolside and watches Nagisa and Rei compare notes on floating techniques, wondering how things are going to end up.

The elastic on Haru's goggles snaps just before it's time to start the relays. Makoto lends him his own pair, and decides not to swim this afternoon, if he can help it. "Oh, I'm not really feeling well, but I'd like to watch," he says, and lets his feet dangle into the water, timer in hand. Haru finishes 200 meters, and Makoto gets in position to lend him a hand out.

And that's when it hits him, his decision.

Makoto has been by Haru's side their entire childhood. He can't leave now. Even if Haru doesn't return his feelings, Makoto will stay by him, always. At least that way, he can take care of Haru, and do his best to make him happy. Maybe things won't be exactly the same, but Makoto's lived with his unrequited feelings this long. Surely, he can stand by Haru now, for both their sakes. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he weren't taking care of Haru. So even if it hurt, he would be the best friend he could. Lending him goggles, giving him lunches, pulling him out of baths and pools, and being a constant in a harsh world.

Makoto gives a perfect Makoto smile as he cheers his love on, happy and hateful with his decision. But as long as Haru is alright, he will find a way to be alright, too.

* * *

A/N- This can function as a stand alone. If you want an ending that's at least a teeny bit happy, stop now.

Requests open. Please PM or leave a review to request a fanfic for this series, preferably Dorca, or maybe Sharkbait or Reigisa. I reserve the right to refuse a prompt. Thank you!

Please review, constructive criticism is welcome!

Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**TW MENTIONS OF ABUSE, DEPRESSION. **

"It's not clinical," the woman says with a pitying expression behind thick-framed glasses. It makes Makoto feel uncomfortable, and kind of hopeless. "It looks to me like your depression is just deep sadness. The way to 'cure' it is to resolve those feelings. It's as simple as that."

But Makoto _can't _resolve these feelings. It's been months since he started just sort of losing interest in everything, a handful years since Haru came out of the closet, and there's nothing he can do anymore. Haru is dating Rin. If Makoto could make himself okay with that, he would have by now. Couldn't this stupid doctor see that Makoto needed something more than "get over it"?

Makoto hangs his head and runs his fingers through his hair, sighing and trying to think of what to say. "What, what, what can I do?" he says quietly, nervously, because he doesn't want tomorrow to be as painful as today and yesterday and the day before. If this keeps up, he doesn't know how he's going to contain himself any longer.

"Well, I can't tell you much. If you know the root of your problems, you can face them head on, or you could see a counselor. Connecting with loved ones, acquiring new ambitions, and focusing on creative outlets helps, too, or so I've heard. I'm afraid I can't give you any medication, Tachibana-san, because what you have isn't a medical condition. You're just sad."

Just sad. Just sad like the ocean is just a puddle, and mountains are pebbles, and Haru is just cute.

Makoto thanks the doctor and begins the long walk home, stopping at a park bench along the way. It's sunset, and the place is active with joggers and families, which he likes. Even if he doesn't know any of them, Makoto doesn't know if he'd be able to handle being alone right now.

Family, goals, art, is all sounds so doable, like in a few weeks, Makoto could find his smile again. But really, he knows it won't happen like that. Helping Ren and Ran with their homework won't make him fall out of love with Haru. Getting a new job won't make him forget years of being ignored. Painting won't make him blind to the way Rin treats Haru.

That, he decides, is the worst part. Makoto has seen their relationship. He sees the ice in Rin's eyes, and ignorance in Haru's. He's seen the little remarks they pass back and forth, no matter where they are. Passive aggressive little knives while they all grab lunch in a friendly reunion. Harsh comments when they run into each other at the store. Dangerous insinuations when the three find each other at the new local pool together. They aren't happy together. Haru got everything wanted, the man he loved, and still couldn't know peace.

_How dare he?_ Makoto thinks of Rin for the millionth time. _How dare he not make Haru happy? If I were in his place, I would treat Haru like a king. I would kiss him when he's mad and hold him when he's sad and laugh with him when he's happy. I would go out and watch him float in the pool and enjoy life because he'd be enjoying life. I-_

"Makoto?" Before looking up from his hands, Makoto knows Haru's there.

"Haru," he says softly. After everything, seeing the man he loves still brings a sad smile to Makoto's face. "What are you doing here?"

He looks pointedly away before muttering, "Just taking a walk, I guess."

"Did you get into a fight with Rin again?" The silence is answer enough, and Makoto stands and takes a step closer. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Haru says with a sigh, still not quite meeting Makoto's gaze. He's okay with that. It's just the way Haru is.

Makoto gives him a supportive pat on the back. "Wanna talk about it? I'm here, you know." No response. "Have you had dinner yet?"

"Not yet."

"Come on, let's get something to eat. Give yourself a little time away." Haru nods once, and just like that, they're off. Makoto is doing the only thing he can do, the only thing he cares about doing: taking care of Haru. Even if he can't protect him from Rin, he can do his best to make his life pleasant despite the relationship, and silently hope that they break it off before too long.

What a horrible thing to think, Makoto muses as they walk in a comfortable silence, something they picked up after The Incident. But Rin and Haru's relationship just doesn't make sense to him. Why do they continue on like that? What's the point? Why doesn't Haru just leave already? He knows he can't ask that, that he should be supportive and caring, but there've been a lot of long, lonely nights spent trying to figure them out on his own. Makoto doubts he'll ever understand.

They hit a diner, a usual meeting place of theirs. It's about halfway between each of their homes, Makoto's solo apartment and the house Haru shares with Rin. In their final days of high school, Makoto had ensured they make a pact, to meet often so as not to lose touch. It all meant too much to him to let their friendship slip away. Years later, here they are, still meeting once a week at least.

Usually, though, it isn't like this. Something about the feeling of it is off. Maybe it's how spontaneous it is, or maybe it's because Haru is upset. Whatever it is, Makoto doesn't like it. He only gets so much time with his beloved, and he doesn't want to waste it on weird atmospheres.

"So how are things?" He asks, looking over the menu, even though he has it memorized by now.

"You know."

"Are you feeling okay, Haru?"

There's hesitation, and a tint of color to Haru's cheeks. "I'm fine, Makoto."

"Really? Okay, then… How's Rin?"

"He's fine, too."

"Mm. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." The response is instantaneous, like a bullet through the air. They pause the conversation to order fish and omelets and rice and lemonade. Haru finally looks Makoto dead in the eye as the waitress takes their menus. "Makoto, what are you doing?"

"Hm?"

"I asked what you're doing. Why are we getting dinner?"

"Because you looked like you were having a hard time."

"And?"

Makoto smiles nervously. "And I'm your friend. I just thought I'd help you out a little, in any way I can. Is there something else you'd like?"

Haru stares now, blankly, but Makoto knows he's being closely assessed. "No, Makoto. There isn't."

The food comes then, set down in the great distance that seems to exist between the two friends.

"Ah… How's work coming along?" Makoto asks after several long minutes of silent eating.

Haru seems to recoil at the words. "I got fired."

"Fired? Ah, Haru—" Makoto reaches forward gentle, just a couple fingers intending to pat Haru on the hand and then withdraw. But Haru flinches, so intensely that his entire chair jerks and makes a loud noise against the linoleum flooring. A scowl forms across his features, although his eyes are only scared, and maybe a little ashamed. Makoto takes them back, eyes wide with concern. "H-haru?"

It isn't like Haru. Being manhandled has never been his cup of tea, but he has always been one to slap a hand away or shrug off a hug. Never would Makoto imagine him flinching, cowering away from a simple hand. Something is wrong.

Or maybe Makoto is overthinking things. Maybe Haru is just having an off day. Between getting fired and getting into a fight with Rin, it would make sense that he is be on edge, right? Makoto decides to put it out of his mind as Haru mutters a quiet apology and flags down an employee to replace the chopsticks he dropped.

"So, the pool store didn't work out after all, huh?" Makoto asks gently, giving Haru a mental hug and hoping he could feel it.

"They said it was inappropriate for a cashier to sit in the kiddie pools. Tch."

"Well, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"No. I'll get a job at the water park or something. Maybe a lifeguard."

"Hm. Sounds like a good plan. Your love of water will never fade, will it?"

Haru stares thoughtfully at the water beside his lemonade. "No, it won't."

"It's nice to think that some things never change."

"Mm."

Another long silence. And then, "Soon it will be warm enough to swim in the ocean, again, won't it?"

"I hope so."

"We should go together some time."

"You think so?"

"Yeah. I always like spending time with you, Haru-chan. We could make a day of it."

Haru hesitates again. Slowly, he says, "I'm not sure Rin would like that. And I should really focus on getting a job first," and draws his limbs in closer to himself.

"Haru, are you having money problems with Rin or something? I'll pay for dinner, and if you ever need to borrow—"

"No, Makoto, it's fine. Don't worry about it."

"Seriously, I don't have a lot of expenses, and I know you don't have a lot of family you can depend on."

"Look, Makoto, just drop it, okay? You know what, I'll show you. We'll go out for drinks, my treat. Will that convince you?"

"Oh, you don't have to—"

"Come on." Haru stands, tossing his napkin aside and looking down at Makoto expectantly.

"Ah—okay, then." And just like that, Haru latches onto Makoto's hand and really drags him out the door, leaving a couple of bills on the table and letting the doors swing shut behind them.

It's dark when they get outside, but Haru seems to know where he's going well enough. Although Makoto has his reservations, he trusts Haru, and hopes that letting him lead the evening will reveal something, anything. And anyway, it's a little nice to have Haru interested in spending time with him.

Right, he should check something. "Will Rin be okay with this?" he calls to Haru, who's walking very quickly at arm's length in front of him. He doesn't respond, only tightens his grip and walks faster. Makoto hopes that maybe the drinks will be good for him. He hasn't seen Haru this upset in years—he barely sees him actively upset at all—and is a little concerned as to why Haru's hiding it. It may be a selfish, manipulative thought, but he hopes Haru will loosen up and tell him something. He only wants to help, after all, but it's hard to help when the other person won't give you any information to work with.

Haru turns abruptly and throws open a door to a large room with loud music and a couple of flashing lights. A club, it appears, although there aren't many people. It's Thursday, Makoto recalls, and still fairly early, so it makes sense that there aren't many gay men partying right now.

"This is where you go to drink? How do you find this place?" Makoto says it low, under the pulse of the music, and really doesn't expect Haru to answer, but he does anyway.

"Rin's ex works here." Well, that doesn't clear up much, when Makoto thinks about it. Why would Rin bring his current boyfriend to the place where his ex works? Before Makoto has time to say anymore, he's being ripped away from the door and over to the bar, where Haru's ordering them both a drink from a small, vaguely familiar man with silver hair.

"Oh, him. Rin's kouhai."

"Nitori. And not anymore."

Makoto takes a stool next to Haru and attempts to look him in the eye through the blur of the club lighting. "Haru, why are we here?"

He only answers after he's taken a long drink. Makoto realizes this is the first time he's seen Haru drink. He doesn't quite know what to expect. When Haru's head just drops onto the bar suddenly, Makoto jumps. "Haru!" He goes to shake him by the shoulder's but the head is back on before he can. A weak groan escapes his lips.

"Be quiet," He snaps, jerking his head towards Makoto and glaring, but turns back to his glass as he mutters, "I'm just having a hard day."

"H-haru."

"What?"

"I want to help you."

Haru sighs. "I know that, Makoto. You just want me to be happy, right?"

"Y-yes."

"…yeah." And Haru takes another drink, long and slow, in a totally different world from the fast-paced club.

Makoto sips at a couple glasses and watches as Haru finishes one drink, then another, and both men saying very little. He loses track soon, and ignores the growing count as he focuses on trying to coax something out of Haru, preferably something along the lines of what's so odd about him tonight, or maybe even the long standing question of why he and Rin are in a relationship at all.

He doesn't get much for his efforts, as Haru is nearly as quiet drunk as he is sober, only sadder, and a little pathetic. "Haru," he tries for the third time.

"What is it this time, Makoto?"

"Talk to me."

"…About what?"

"Anything that comes to mind."

"… I had something I wanted to tell you, but I'm keeping it a secret. And I kind of forget what it is." That's when Makoto realizes Haru's probably had enough, and tells Nitori not to bring anymore. He suddenly feels extremely guilty, realizing for the first time that he should have told Haru to use some alternate means of dealing with his problems. It just seemed to make sense before, but now that Haru looked woozy and disoriented, Makoto realized that he had just gotten his best friend drunk on purpose to manipulate information from him. He never realized he could do something so very cruel, and is ashamed of himself at the very thought.

Well, maybe he just let him get drunk, but still. Makoto really isn't proud of himself, and figures he should probably get Haru home before either of them do anything more they'll regret later. With this in mind, Makoto sighs and says, "Come on, let's get you out of here." Haru throws some money at Nitori, who says he'll put the rest on Haru's tab. _He has a tab? Just how often does he come here to drink? _

Once they're into the relative quiet of the evening street, Makoto tries to wrap an arm around Haru's extremely unsteady figure, but he pulls away too quickly. The jerking motion causes Haru to fall into the brick wall beside him, but he doesn't seem to mind much, just barely grabbing his arm in discomfort. Makoto reaches a hand out to help him up.

"Haru, why won't you let me touch you?"

Haru looks him in the eye and says nothing, but takes the hand up and allows Makoto to hold him as they walk. They get about a block away, and Haru stops suddenly, as if he's hit another wall. "Where're we going?"

"I'm taking you home to Rin, Haru," Makoto says, admiring the way the stars reflect in Haru's eyes, because after all this time he's still a romantic sap.

"No."

"No?"

"I d-don't want to go home. I don't want to see, see that guy."

"You mean Rin?"

"Who else?" As Haru sways against him, Makoto is forced to weigh his options. Rin would want him home. Makoto wants to keep him. Haru doesn't want to see Rin, but he's clearly not fully in control of his faculties. Rin's his boyfriend, Rin should take care of him, right? And Makoto should let him.

But Rin won't, and Makoto knows this. He knows if Rin is angry, he'll only get angrier if Makoto drops off a drunken man for him to take care of. No, Makoto let this happen. He decides he has to take responsibility and make sure Haru is taken care of, and the only way he can do that is if he does it himself. And who can really fault him for adhering to Haru's wishes? "So where do you want to go?"

"Don't care."

"A motel? No, you could end up hurting yourself…"

"You got a futon?"

"Of course."

"Then let's go!" Haru declares, and turns to stumble in the direction of Makoto's apartment complex.

Haru's practically asleep as Makoto unlocks the door and they trip over each other in an attempt to get inside safely. Although summer isn't far, it's still very cold at night, and Makoto can feel Haru beginning to tremble. He sets him down on the couch and tosses a nearby blanket to him saying, "Make yourself comfortable for a few minutes, I'll be right back."

He's in the bathroom, watching the water collect at the bottom of the large tub when he hears something disturbing. Haru isn't on the couch anymore, but leaning over the kitchen sink, hurling loudly. Makoto nearly cries when he realizes he could have prevented that, if he hadn't been so freaking selfish. He rubs small circles on Haru's back, praying that he'll be forgiven in the morning. Though, at this point, he wouldn't blame Haru if he isn't. Haru finishes and coughs forcefully, hissing in pain and clutching at his sides where they had been forced against the hard countertop. His bangs hang in front of his eyes, so all Makoto can see of his expression is his frown.

Exhausted, but now fully conscious, Haru sags back into Makoto's thick frame, gazing up with an unreadable expression. Makoto stares at him for a long moment, wondering how things got this way, until Haru breaks his train of thought. "Glassowater?"

"Right." Makoto gives him a toothbrush and toothpaste, too, which Haru gratefully accepts.

He leans against the cupboards, watching Haru brush his teeth three or four times before turning back and saying simply, "Sorry."

"It's not your fault," Makoto says with a sigh. _It's mine. It's all my fault. _"I got a bath ready for you, if you're up for it."

Haru doesn't even bother to take his t-shirt and jeans off before he gets in, a pleased look overwhelming his features. Makoto sits next to the tub, letting one hand fall into the water and trace shapes.

He figures Haru is pretty intoxicated, enough so that he can let his frown show fully, and it won't be remembered. That doesn't stop Haru from noticing it now, though, and he looks confused. "Wasswrong?"

"It's nothing, Haru, don't worry. Just enjoy your bath, and they we'll get you to bed. You can take mine, I'll sleep on the futon."

"Nah, that's okay," Haru says, head lolling back and then rolling to stare at Makoto directly. His fingers find their way through the water to tangle in Makoto's. "You're a good friend. Ma best friend."

"Yeah, I know." Makoto can't help but hang on, really tightly, to that hand, even though it only makes his heart ache more.

"Makoto."

"Yes?"

"Do you still love me?"

"…Yes, Haru. I still love you." He looks Haru in the eyes, waiting to see what will happen. He expects Haru to freak out, to demand to be taken home, to think Makoto's weird, to do anything but what he does.

Haru tugs on the hand he's holding suddenly, pulling Makoto into the water. With his free and, he holds the back of Makoto's head and meets his lips.

For a moment, Makoto can't do anything. The shock is too much. He can't believe that he's here, straddling drunken Haru in the bath tub, even though they're both fully clothed. His eyes stare at Haru's gentle expression and he does nothing, absolutely nothing, until Haru licks at his lips.

That does it, and he's back to reality, leaning away and breathing again. "Haru! But- you- I- Rin! Rin!" He stutters out, his entire self, body and mind, sickened by what he's just done.

"I don't want to think about Rin, Makoto. You love me, right? Then just let me make you happy for once. Please," Haru says breathlessly, eyes hazy and hands wandering around Makoto's toned arms.

"But Haru-" He's silenced by the smashing of Haru's lips against his own. He's far more demanding this time, insistent, and Makoto wants nothing more to give in.

It's what he's always wanted. Of course, he wanted Haru to be with whomever he loved. But really, he just wanted that person to be him. And this, he could so easily call this close enough. It would be so easy. He could say, of course, that Haru made the first move, that Makoto tried to talk him out of it, that it meant nothing. He could come up with a plethora of excuses, and even if they didn't work, maybe that would mean Rin and Haru would finally break it off.

And for a moment, Makoto gives in. As he thinks, he surrenders and kisses Haru back with everything he has.

But he stops himself, because three reasons are too many to ignore and continue on. He has too much common sense, too much compassion for the man he loves, and so little self-respect. It's been dwindling for so many years now as he sits by like a loyal dog, selfless in the most selfish way, and Makoto doesn't think he can afford to sacrifice as much as it would take to be Haru's rebound, his revenge, his second choice, the mistake he made while he was drunk.

So Makoto sits back, and he closes his eyes and bites his lip, and he tries to think of what to do before he just gives up and breaks down and cries into the bathwater.

He opens them to the feeling of Haru's hands on his chest, under his shirt. It seems he had the wrong idea when Makoto leaned back, because he's already taken his own shirt off, and—and then he sees it.

Makoto speaks slowly, but it doesn't keep the shake out of his voice. "Haru, what is that?"

It takes a second for Haru to trace Makoto's stare back to a large dark bruise on his own side. He spites a curse and turns a shade of deep red, reaching for his shirt back. Makoto grabs his hands out of the air before he can.

"Haru, answer me."

No response as Haru looks away. Embarrassed, ashamed, Makoto's not sure, and he's too scared to care. "Did… did Rin do this?"

"It was just once."

"Was it on purpose?... Answer me, Haru, answer me."

"He was upset, and he got carried away. I ran away from him, and then I found you. 'Cause you are always there. Protecting me." The words come at a drunken slowness, but Makoto is certain they are true.

Makoto stands up, and extends a hand so Haru can rise with him. When he is back on his feet, Makoto pulls him into a wet embrace.

"You're getting out of there. I won't put up with it any longer."

Haru nods against his chest. "I really did love him, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Makoto? I'm tired."

Makoto chuckles, stepping carefully out of the tub and carrying Haru out with him.

Ten minutes later, both are changed into far drier clothes, and Makoto is tearing apart the only tiny closet in his home, searching for the futon.

"Makoto," Haru says from where he's leaning against the doorframe. "I'll just sleep with you instead."

From the looks of him, he's already half asleep. A long day and a bunch of alcohol will do that to a man. Frankly, Makoto's impressed he's lasted this long, although Haru isn't exactly a lightweight. "Are you sure you're okay with that?"

"Yeah, it'll be just like old times." Makoto smiles at countless childhood memories as he nods and shows Haru the way.

He wakes up with a smile on his face, too, until he remembers what's happened. Really, he should be pleased. Haru's going to break it off. He won't be mistreated anymore, and Makoto won't have to watch helplessly from the sidelines. But here Haru is, having shifted into his arms at some point during the night, and Makoto can't help but feel like a manipulative scumbag.

He stares at Haru, whose lips slightly open and eyes are fluttering gently as he dreams. He looks so peaceful, so innocent. Makoto wishes that when he awakens, it would be 5 years ago or more, when everything was easy and simple and fun. Whether Haru remembers last night or not, he'll be facing a day of dealing with Makoto's breaking heart and Rin's abuse and complications and contradicting emotions and all sorts of things Makoto wishes he could take on for him. But he can't, and he knows Haru must wake up soon, so he sits back and tries to enjoy this simple moment of content.

Makoto thinks he knows how things will play out today, and how everything will end up. The image is a blurry one, but he's convinced himself of exactly where the chips will fall. He prepares himself for it. Today will be a very long day, and he wants to be ready for all that he's about to endure.

It appears it will be as rainy as it is historical, because a heavy pitter patter sets against the window in Makoto's room. It's a thunderclap that rouses Haru, and he yawns and stretches. Makoto pulls back a little before he can open his eyes, though Haru mutters good morning as if he knows just how close Makoto is.

"Good morning, Haru-chan."

They both sit up slowly, easing into the day. There's coffee and dressing and eggs, and they end up sitting around Makoto's tiny table set together. Little is said until, "Makoto?"

"Yes?"

"I remember last night."

A heavy silence, broken only by the clinking of silverware.

"Oh." There's nothing more to be said. No apologies, no gratitude from either party, because they know that this whole thing is beyond words, beyond regrets and cheesy sentiments. It's something that happened, and they must both recall it, deal with the consequences, and move on. It's a fact, not something experienced.

Haru yawns. Makoto swallows dryly. "You can stay here. If you can't live with Rin."

"Mako-"

"I don't care. You can stay here. Until you're back on your feet." _Not forever, just until you pull yourself together. _

"…Ah."

Even though he already knows, Makoto asks, "What are you going to do, then?"

"You'll walk me home, and I'll confront Rin."

He resists the urge to ask, "And then?" Because he knows Haru has no answer to give. This must be very scary for him, Makoto realizes. There's so little Haru can actually do about these relationships, and so little he can control. It must be a terribly helpless feeling.

Makoto walks with Haru because there's only one umbrella. That's the pretense they share. He thinks Haru probably needs the moral support, too, so he doesn't run away or jump in the ocean or something similar. Makoto's grateful for the rain, so that neither have to face that truth.

It comes down hard around them, and drowns out awkward thoughts and uncomfortable silences and Makoto lets his grip on the umbrella slip, just for a moment, so it will cover up the tear he can't stop from slipping down his cheek. Maybe Haru is crying, too. Now he doesn't have to know.

Makoto stops on the sidewalk beside the street, and Haru walks on, pausing to look back once as he takes out his key.

It's the last clear memory Makoto has before everything goes blurry and burning and aching and sharp and numb and intense and nonexistent, all at the same time. he gets horribly wet because his grip isn't strong enough for the umbrella as he sits on the stairs to the apartment then he's inside coughing maybe he falls asleep a little probably because he seems to be drowning in Haru's eyes and if he isn't asleep he doesn't want to know what he is the power goes out his mind is full his mind is empty he's lonely without Haru he never wants to see Haru again he was right this is exactly how he thought it would go There's a knock at the door. Makoto's ready.

It's Haru. He's wet and shivering. He falls forward into Makoto's arms, and they lean on one another.

What little of Haru's breath escapes his lips is shaky.

"Is it too late to fall in love with you?"

"Yes."

Owari

* * *

A/N~ Poor Nitori, working Thursday evening shift at a gay bar :(

Requests open. Please PM or leave a review to request a fanfic for this series, preferably Dorca, or maybe Reigisa. I reserve the right to refuse a prompt. Thank you!

Please review, constructive criticism is welcome!

Thanks for reading!


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